Throw this book away

[Anxiety in parenting part IV]

I doubt there's any book more capable of inducing stress in a parent than What to Expect When You're Expecting--and before you're even officially a parent, no less. I went hunting for excerpts from this foul book on the web, and it was worse than I remembered. I once owned it myself, and a few other pregnancy books in the "encyclopedia of disasters" prenatal genre. I eventually decided these were psychologically detrimental, and purged them from my home. I gave most of them away, but I thought What to Expect... was too hideous to inflict on any other mother-to-be, and I threw it in the trash. There are far better sources of similar information, minus the guilt and fear.

I mean, consider this advice:

If you're a first-time expectant mother, enjoy what will probably be your last chance for a long while to focus on taking care of yourself without feeling guilty.

Yeah. 'Cause after the baby's born, you're only allowed to live vicariously through your children. You have a few more months, and then no more funny novels or blogging or Project Runway for you!

I mean yes, parenting is hard, but when the baby's asleep, why should I feel guilty for reading Janet Evanovich or watching TV or reading blogs?

Or how about:

Napping when you're mothering may also be difficult, but if you can time your rest with the children's nap-time (if they still nap), you may be able to get away with it -- assuming you can tolerate the unwashed dishes and the dust balls under the bed.

Translation: "If you're the kind of slob who doesn't care about her children's living conditions, if you have no concerns over hygiene or cleanliness, well then, go ahead and sleep during the day. But don't come whining to us about the dust balls afterward."

This book is also notorious for the utterly impossible to achieve "Best Odds Diet." First of all, what's with the "Best Odds" business? You eat their 15 servings of vegetables and 10 servings of raw wheat berries or whatever it is per day (which, I once calculated, adds up to more than the absurdly small number of daily calories they advise), and you just might, with a little luck, avoid... what, birth defects? Incurable disease? A 39-hour labor? "Best Odds" of what, exactly? Do they have to remind of us the awful unspoken possibilities at every turn, such that we're too scared to indulge in a chocolate bar?

I know I'm not alone on this one. Friends have expressed similar sentiments, and one Amazon.com reviewer wrote:

This was the first book on pregnancy I read when I was pregnant. The diet and nutrition section scared the Hell out of me! By the time I was done reading that section, I was terrified that eating peanut butter or having a cup of coffee would result in my giving birth to Quasimodo.....

After reading this book, I felt scared and depressed....

Another reviewer said, under the heading "To the expectant fathers":

Guys ... consider this a warning; this will be the worst book that your significant other can read and will make your life utterly miserable for the next nine months.

It may have been intended as a self-help guide but instead seems to act more as a bible for every worst-case-scenario imaginable. After spending a few hours perusing this book's contents, your significant other will become so overworked and paranoid that every little ache, pain, and irritation will become a sign of the baby being born with a forked tongue and three heads.

Or:

I am a physician and I can honestly say this has to be the WORST pregnancy book ever written. It is written by a paranoid for the paranoid. This book is full of useless, over-the-top advice (like avoiding all refined sugar and installing shower guard-rails) that will drive even the most relaxed first-time mother into insanity.

Much of this book involves discussing what happens at prenatal exams, including descriptions of tests for (insert improbable but terrifying diseases, disabilities, etc). It also promotes, directly or indirectly, what seems like every intervention or procedure known to obstetrics. It's no wonder people find it scary and depressing. And yet, if you check out the New York Times bestseller list, What to Expect... still makes the top five under "Paperback Advice." It's almost impossible to avoid owning this book once you become pregnant-- either you cave in and buy it yourself, or someone gives you theirs, or you get it as an early shower gift. And at some point you can't help but open it up and skim a bit... and thus begins the propaganda campaign to convince you that nature cannot be trusted. Your body cannot be trusted. You cannot be trusted. Only the experts can save your family.

Fear and stress make no one a better parent... so why do they bombard us with so much of these? We have a cultural focus on "family values" and yet the implication at every turn is that families are failures unless they bow to expert guidance. That children are "at risk" and it's a daily struggle on the part of dedicated doctors and teachers to keep them safe and prevent them from falling by the developmental wayside. Meanwhile, a lot of money is made off this mindset.

It's made me into a downright curmudgeon, it has. My attitude toward most popular and mainstream parenting advice is... well, probably not suitable for mixed company, let's put it that way.