Feel bad yet?

I went to the website of Parents magazine, and clicked the "Look Inside" link to take a look at some of their recent issues. I took some of their front-cover article titles, and put in my own translations:

Be a Better Mommy in 2006! [Because as of now, you really suck as a mom.]

How Early Bedtimes Boost Your Child's Immunity [That cold your kid has right now? That's your fault for letting your kid stay up till 9pm.]

READ THIS! 5 Lifesaving Moves Moms Should Know [What kind of an irresponsible mother are you, that you don't know these Five Moves?]

Plan a Perfect Playdate [What, you don't normally send rice-paper invitations? Are you or are you not a devoted mom?]

WARNING: Signs Your Child Is Sicker Than You Think [Scared yet?]

10 Important Foods Your Child Needs [...and we bet he/she won't eat a one of them, which is, as usual, all your fault.]

Stop Yelling! The Brand-New Way to Discipline [Yelling is so... uncouth. What's the matter with you anyway?]

Stop a Tantrum in 10 Seconds [Okay, no, we've never heard of our method actually working in practice... but nonetheless, if your kid's tantrums take longer than 10 seconds, you must be doing something wrong.]

Raise the Nicest Kid on the Block [Not just nice, but THE NICEST. Anything but "best" is failure.]

Teach Little Kids to Stay Safe in the Pool [Gee, we didn't mean to conjure up any fears... honest.]

What's really sick is that this stress-inducing theme (under the guise of "we're here to help you!") isn't accidental, and it's not just meant to guilt-trip you into buying the magazine, either. It is, in fact, designed to make you better fodder for the real business of the magazine: the advertising. Advertisers want anxious readers. They actually pay more for anxious readers. Magazines like Parents or Vogue or Ladies' Home Journal actually "sell" their readership to the advertisers, as in "Hey Diet Coke, want to reach 10 million women who want to lose weight?" A "motivated" audience member is code for an audience member with an inferiority complex, and "motivated" viewers or readers attract more advertising revenue. (My all-time favorite example of a media outlet "selling" their audience was from an old MTV ad, hawking its viewers. The ad featured a typical MTV fan, a young trendy guy in grunge clothes with odd hair, and the print read "Buy this 24-year-old and get all his friends free." Which gives you some idea of how little media outlets respect their audience. We're just here to have our attention sold to Madison Avenue. We represent a commodity, nothing more and nothing less.)

Advertisers paying tens of thousands of dollars to place ads in Parents magazine want parents who feel like failures before they even peruse page one. Anxious readers are looking to prove they're trying, looking to assuage their guilt and their feelings of incompetence. Anxious readers buy products. Anxious parents are a cash cow.

These people are not here to help us.