More on bullying

From the NEA:

• Six out of 10 American teenagers witness bullying in school once a day.

• Bullying affects nearly one in three American schoolchildren in grades six through 10. Eighty-three percent of girls and 79 percent of boys report experiencing harassment.

• Students who are targets of repeated bullying behavior experience extreme fear and stress:

Fear of going to school
Fear of using the bathroom
Fear of the bus ride to and from school
Physical symptoms of illness
Diminished ability to learn

What the NEA does not say is that the 83% of girls and 79% of boys experiencing "harassment" are experiencing sexual harassment specifically. At least, I assume that the NEA is citing a particular important survey on sexual harassment, which found:

83% of girls and 79% of boys report having ever experienced harassment.

The number of boys reporting experiences with harassment often or occasionally has increased since 1993 ([to] 56% [from] 49%), although girls are still somewhat more likely to experience it. For many students sexual harassment is an ongoing experience: over 1 in 4 students experience it "often." These numbers do not differ by whether the school is urban or suburban or rural.

76% of students have experienced non-physical harassment while 58% have experienced physical harassment. Non-physical harassment includes taunting, rumors, graffiti, jokes or gestures. One-third of all students report experiencing physical harassment "often or occasionally."

Actions hurt but so do words. When given 14 examples of non-physical and physical harassment, students say they would be very upset if someone did the following:

• Spread sexual rumors about them (75%)
  
• Pulled off or down their clothing in a sexual way (74%)
  
• Said that they were gay or lesbian (73%)
  
• Forced them to do something sexual other than kissing (72%)
  
• Spied on them as they dressed or showered at school (69%)

The NEA and other groups tend to focus on school violence when addressing the subject of bullying, but I think that in fact non-physical bullying is more rampant and quite possibly more psychologically damaging. Consider that having sexual rumors spread about them was "very upsetting" to more students than were being forced to do something sexual or being spied on while dressing or showering.

A quarter of students experience sexual harassment "often," a third experience physical sexual harassment "often" or "occasionally." No wonder that:

A substantial number of students—both boys and girls—fear being hurt by someone in their school life. Eighteen percent (18%) are afraid some or most of the time, and less than half (46%) are "never" afraid in school.

And yet, the main objection to homeschooling continues to be "Aren't you worried about socialization?" (I'm going to memorize this response: "Yes, of course, that's the main reason we decided to homeschool!")

Your average person on the street does not know that homeschoolers do better academically than do public school students, so why is it that they latch onto "socialization" and almost never ask about academic concerns? (Or is that just my experience?) I am starting to think we are all aware, at some half-conscious level, that school is really about finding your slot in society and learning to conform within your category. And that people are willing to put up with the bullying, the harassment, and the misery experienced in schools because they just cannot fathom what happens to someone who does not find their pigeonhole, meld into their social clique, and get properly classified and defined. Better to endure the harsh experiences that teach you to accept your lot in life than to wind up a non-conformist, right? And better, many parents think, to help your kid through the cruelty, competition, misery and anxiety than to have them "not fit in" as adults.

I am beginning to suspect that the social life of school is most school parents' biggest concern, at least, in their heart of hearts. Nominally it may be grades, but what gets to them emotionally must be the teasing and harassment (if they're aware of it). They need to believe this is worth it. So when you say you aren't going to send your kids to school, what they want from you (not consciously, but arising out of some deeper emotional place) is to hear that yes, you're worried about your kid missing out on all that bullying. That yes, that's the one advantage their kid will have-- knowing what "the real world" is like (even though the adult world in fact contains far, far less of this kind of nastiness). That yes, the price your child will pay for still being happy at age 14 is they'll be the weirdo on the block.

I'm tired of being asked, in some never-articulated and indirect manner, to agree that schooled children will reap social advantages to make up for the everyday miseries they witness or endure. It feels like this is what I'm being asked to accept, when someone says "Well, there may be some socialization issues..." or similar. It does no good for schooled children if adults act as if the typical school social environment is inevitable, or worse, somehow helpful. There is no trade-off for the bullying. There is no excuse for adults allowing so much commonplace cruelty inside of schools, which we ourselves would never allow in our workplaces. I'm not going to go along with this by getting defensive when asked about socialization, citing our social opportunities and so on. These people don't really care if my kids grow up weird or not (some of the people asking me think I'm weird anyway). They are wanting me-- again, not consciously, but at some level-- to agree that a taste of cruelty is really the best thing. That it's not hurting their kids.

I just can't go along with that anymore. From now on I'm going to try and remember: "Yes, of course we're concerned about socialization, that's why we decided to homeschool!" To respond otherwise comes too close to endorsing the current venomous social atmosphere of most schools.